


Ignored Advice

by aexis1465



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood and Injury, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Klance if you look closely, Major Character Injury, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-06 23:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aexis1465/pseuds/aexis1465
Summary: “Hey man,” Lance says into his phone. “Obviously you’re busy or you would have picked up, but I really need to talk to someone. I think you could understand more than anyone and, quite frankly, you’re the only person I feel comfortable talking to. Anyway, I miss you, Keith. Call me back when you get this.”





	Ignored Advice

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the incredible [art](https://kajerex.tumblr.com/post/181202810650/he-frees-himself) by [@kajerex](https://kajerex.tumblr.com/) on tumblr

_“I think you should go home,” Veronica said quietly over lunch._   
_“We just ordered, why would I go home?” Lance jokes._   
_“No, I think you need to go home. Like home to Mama. You’re not okay.”_   
_“Ronnie, no offense, but I think you need to get your eyes checked. I’m perfectly fine.”_

* * *

After six months with the altean marks, Lance could no longer stand to see them on his face. He taped newspaper to all the mirrors in his house, refused to use the camera on his phone, and deleted all picture that showed him with the marks. The blue glow from his cheeks kept him awake at night reminding him of a love that never felt sincere. Allura had never looked at Lance the way she looked at Lotor. He knew the love was forced, and it made the altean marks that much worse to bear.

He went to Pidge first. After his third panic attack in two weeks over seeing the marks on his face, he was willing to do anything to have them removed. She told him there was no solution that she was willing to try.

“I don’t care if it hurts, I want them gone,” he said.

“I’m not going to hurt you over this. What if it kills you? What if it permanently scars you?”

“Then I die or permanently scar.”

“No, Lance, I am not going to do this for you. I’m sorry.”

She turned back to her work and left Lance with tears streaming down his face. This was fine. If she wouldn’t help him, he’d do it himself. Looking around the lab, there were hundred of vials labelled with different chemical solutions. Some were natural to Earth, other found on different planets apart of the coalition, and the specific ones were collected from New Altea. He grabbed all the vials he could hold labelled in Altean and left without Pidge noticing.

Lance runs back to his room, careful not to splash any of the chemicals on his jacket. It was once Luis’ who gave it to Marco who gave it to Lance. If this were to kill him, he’d want Sylvio to have the jacket. It’d only be fair to pass on the jacket.

The vials stand on his bathroom sink, organized from his favorite color down the color spectrum. Blue, lighter blue, teal, green, yellow, orange, darker orange, red, then black. He curses himself for not learning to read Altean, he didn’t think it would ever be needed between his friendship with Coran and then his relationship with Allura. Now he has ten vials with altean chemicals sitting on his counter with no idea what any are capable of doing.

The black looked as though it would do the most damage. It moved like syrup in its container with a shimmer when it caught the light. The most beautiful things have always caused the most damage. Lance held his face over the sink, squeezed his eyes shut, and waited for the liquid to ooze out of the vial. It seemed to splash off of his face like water. There was no burn or sign that anything had happened.

He grabbed the next one. Same reaction. Grabbed another and poured it onto his face only to feel a slight itch. A sob passed his lips. He grabs the next three and throws the chemicals onto his face begging for any sort of reaction. Nothing. The next four. Nothing but another sob escaping his body.

He threw the empty vials onto the floor and watched them shatter. He tore the newspaper off of his mirror to see his face read with tears and the marks glowing the same blue as always. He fell onto the broken glass crying that he would still be stuck with the marks.

* * *

_“Oh? My eyes need to be checked. May I remind you who lost their eyesight for three days? Do you really think it’s healthy for you to stay at the Garrison?”_   
_“I think I’m an adult and I don’t need my sister to tell me what is or is not good for me.”_   
_“I’m worried about you -- everyone is. Just think it over.” Veronica stands from her seat and leaves the cafe._

* * *

His eyes opened to darkness. Ironically, it was the altean marks that caused Lance to understand something was wrong. He couldn’t see the marks’ glow off his cheeks. The same blue glow from the castle that was destroyed. The same blue glow from Allura’s circlet that now rests in Shiro’s arm. The same blue glow that keeps him awake even when his body begs for sleep. The purple galran glow that used to haunt him turned to the altean blue.

Calmly, Lance reached up for the light-switch to find it already on. He took a deep breath and stretched his limbs out in front of him. One of the chemicals must have gotten into his eyes or, maybe, just coming in contact with his skin caused, what he hoped was, temporary blindness. His heart rate sped up, but Lance didn’t feel the need to panic. Being blinded wasn’t the worst injury he has sustained. If anything, he was angrier that the marks would still be on his face when his sight returns.

“Lance? You missed dinner with Shay and I tonight. Is everything okay?” Hunk knocked on the bedroom door.

“Hey, buddy! I could actually really use your assistance right now,” he laughed nervously. “Can you come in?”

The door to the room opened and then to the bathroom. He could hear Hunk gasp then the clinking of the glass vials.

“What did you do?”

He tried to look towards Hunk to keep up some normalcy. “I tried to get rid of these stupid marks, obviously. Pidge wouldn’t help so I took matter into my own hands.”

“Why are you looking at the sink?”

“Funny thing about pouring random altean liquids onto your face: it causes blindness. I can’t see a thing. Do you mind helping me to the med-wing?”

“Can’t see?” Hunk yelled. “Lance, you idiot! Come on get up.”

* * *

_“Hey man,” Lance says into his phone. “Obviously you’re busy or you would have picked up, but I really need to talk to someone. I think you could understand more than anyone and, quite frankly, you’re the only person I feel comfortable talking to. Anyway, I miss you, Keith. Call me back when you get this.”_

* * *

After three days of darkness spent entirely alone beside the nurse to drop off his food, he began to feel like a prisoner. His sight came back on the fourth day, but he was told to stay for at least two more days to see if any other side effects would show up. Lance knew this was a cover-up to say he was on suicide watch. If any anything else was going to happen, it would have happened when his system was weakened, not when he built himself back to his normal state.

“You better have a good explanation for this, McClain,” Pidge yelled after slamming his door into the wall.

“I wanted the marks gone.”

“I said good.”

“Pidge, that’s enough. Go wait in the hallway.” Shiro entered the room and gently pushed her towards the door.

The door closed as Lance watched Shiro walk through the room to sit down at the edge of his bed. He looked childish in the way he sat with his legs crossed on the foot of Lance’s bed, but the look in his eyes did not keep up the childish illusion. His new prosthetic sat limp in his lap, but his other hand ran through his hair before tapping on his thigh. It would appear Shiro was nervous and that terrified Lance. What would cause his fearless leader, his role model, and one of his friends to be so nervous?

“I almost wish Keith was here to start this conversation. He would be blunt and to the point, but he’s not here right now. So,” Shiro took a deep breath. “I’m here to fill in.”

“Just say it.”

“You were-”

“Wait! No!” He covered his face. “I don’t think I want to hear it. I changed my mind!”

“Lance.” Shiro pulled Lance’s hands away from his face, making eye contact. “Believe me when I say this is nothing that you can’t handle. You are a defender of the universe, fearless pilot of the red lion, Voltron’s second in command! I know things have been difficult, for lack of a better term, since Allura, and I want to apologize for all of us for not noticing something was wrong sooner.”

“What?” He whispered.

“The doctor’s said you were clinically depressed.”

“What?” Lance repeated louder. “Yeah, I knew that. I’ve known that since before we even found Blue. Ya know, I kinda wish Keith was here too. We could have skipped the awkwardness.”

Lance laughed softly to himself. He leaned back, effectively breaking eye contact with Shiro who was staring at him with his mouth agape.

“If you knew, then why didn’t you talk to someone? Why would you try to kill yourself? We were all terrified! We thought we lost you! Hunk has been crying and stress baking with Shay, Keith nearly got himself taken off of a Blade mission for arguing with Kolivan over staying on Earth until you were okay, I’ve spent the last four days in a hospital arguing with doctors, and Pidge has shut herself out of her lab because she is blaming herself.”

“I wasn’t talking to anyone because nobody understood. None of the paladins know what I’m going through and everyone in my family is too busy to deal with me. I’m okay, I just need to get rid of these damn marks!”

“Maybe we weren’t the closest of the paladins, Lance, but I know exactly what you are dealing with,” Shiro’s voice lowered. “If this happens again, go to someone first. It doesn’t have to be me, but don’t do something this reckless again.”

* * *

_“Hey, I just wanted to call and see how you were doing? Ronnie is really worried about you, apparently you’re ignoring her?”_   
_“Really? Now she’s having you babysit me? Marco, I’m fine. She’s just worrying too much.”_   
_“So you’re not hurting yourself over anything?”_   
_“Goodbye, Marco.”_

* * *

It was weeks before Lance was able to be alone again. He packed all of Veronica’s belongings from his guest bedroom and left them by the front door in hopes she would get the message to leave him alone again. Then he had to convince Hunk he could make his own meals and then tell Shiro he didn’t want to talk about Allura as he preferred to forget it had ever happened. There was no way to erase her from his life completely, but he didn’t feel comfortable talking about her. She took away his sense of self. He didn’t know who he was or who he was meant to be anymore.

However, he still hasn’t come around to talk with Pidge. She avoided him since bursting into his hotel room to yell at him. Lance has tried everything from staking outside her lab to waiting at her apartment with dinner so they could talk about what happened. There was no blame, Lance knew what he was doing and that Pidge had nothing to do with it. He could understand why she felt guilty, but it made it more frustrating that Pidge wouldn’t hear him out on the matter.

The second Veronica kissed his cheek goodbye, Lance was digging around his apartment to find everything she hid during her stay. All the kitchen knives were on the top shelf of the hall closet in a shoebox, the scissors were under the guest room mattress, and in the corner of the nightstand drawer was the rest of the miscellaneous sharp objects of his apartment. He put everything in its rightful place and then continued to make his grocery list for the week:

Eggs  
Milk  
Napkins  
Band-aids  
Spaghetti  
Pasta Sauce  
Gauze  
Butterfly Strips  
Cheese

* * *

_“Hey, Keith, just leaving another message. It’s been weeks since you left and none of the paladins will talk to me anymore. I really miss you. I thought about taking a ship and meeting you at the Blade’s base. Could you imagine that? Kolivan would kill me! If you ask me, I’d say totally worth it. Please call me back, I’ll talk you later, man.”_

* * *

He held the pocket knife to his left cheek. The knife was a gift for his thirteenth birthday. Luis handed it to him and said he was a man now and would need it to protect himself. The memory caused Lance to laugh bitterly. The others might not understand, but he was protecting himself. Luis would be mortified to see his baby brother trying to cut himself this way.

He pressed the knife deep enough to draw blood and scraped it down the length of the mark. His eyes spilled tears, but Lance only felt anger as he saw the mark glow under the blood. It should be gone! He tried again, pressed even deeper and dragged. The pain multiplied, but he couldn’t stop. The marks need to leave. He needs them off of his face. They didn’t belong.

They forced Lance to not belong.

He no longer fit with any group. The paladins saw him as a reminder of Allura who sacrificed herself. Why was her passing her connection to Voltron to him so admirable? It was a chore that Lance didn’t want. His family thought the marks made him “distinguished” and proved how important he was to saving the universe. Lance didn’t have the heart to tell them he was the expendable paladin. As for distinguished, they just made him look like a freak when he was outside of the garrison. Everyone knew the galra invaded, but when relief forces started to rebuild, it was found that many humans didn’t understand the difference between the good and bad aliens. Lance’s altean marks made him part alien and as part alien he was made a bad alien.

The glow shown through the dark red pouring from cheeks. He stopped trying to cut under them and began to cut over them. Nothing seemed to affect the marks.

“Hey, you didn’t answer your door so I let my- What are you doing?” Keith yelled.

Keith caught Lance by surprise and caused him to jerk his arm and scrape down the entirety of his cheek rather than just the marks. The cut felt rather deep, but it quickly mixed with the blood and tears that were already present. Keith rushed to Lance and ripped the pocket knife out his hand, throwing it across the room.

“When did you get back?” Lance asked, trying to pretend he wasn’t in his current situation.

“Ten minutes ago. Shiro told me what happened and I came to check to see how you were doing. I wasn’t expecting to see you ruining your face!”

“The marks already ruined it.”

“I’m taking you to the hospital. You need stitches.”

* * *

_“Keith, you’re needed in Kolivan’s office.”_   
_“Why?”_   
_“Said it was something personal dealing with Voltron. He sounded serious, you should go.”_

* * *

This time when Lance woke up he was handcuffed the bed. He could only move his hands a few inches in either directions from the railing they were chained to. Keith was sleeping next to his bed, looking more tired than Lance has ever seen him. The bags under his eyes and messy hair were as bad as they were at the end of Voltron when he was no longer sleeping. But his frown was deeper and Lance knew it was his fault.

“Hey, mullet, wake up,” he said.

Keith stirred in his spot and stared at Lance blankly. “Are you lucid this time?”

“What are you talking about? Why am I handcuffed? Keith, what’s going on?”

“You were trying to cut your marks off and when we got to the hospital you became manic. They had to sedate you to give you stitches and then you’d wake up every few hours and lash out.”

“Wow,” Lance whispered.

“I’m glad you are okay, you scared me.”

“I’m okay, no need to worry.” He forced a smile.

* * *

_The table was quiet. Allura’s statue stared down at them and they felt shameful with what has happened. A year since her death and they didn’t have anything positive to show for it. The four remaining paladins silently looked between each other, all blaming themselves. As they did with Allura’s death, they wondered what they could have done to prevent to save their friend._

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any ideas you want to see written or you just want to talk hmu on [tumblr](http://aexis1465.tumblr.com/) lmao


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